I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
