Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
