I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
