My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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