So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sobbing to NWA
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
