Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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