I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
