Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The uberlube is also flammable
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
