So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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