I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
