dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
