does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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