I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
