why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
