We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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