i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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