Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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