Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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