Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
