You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
