I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
