um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
