Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
