She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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