Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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