I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
