Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
