she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Bring me that man meat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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