you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
