Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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