Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
