i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just google imaged poop.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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