My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
