dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
