everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
