Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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