omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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