The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
