he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
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i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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