so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
