My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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