Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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