I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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