I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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