Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She just used a chaser for red wine.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
