I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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