He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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