Pregnant stripper...not hot.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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