i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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