laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
