The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
