If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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