i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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