The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
