Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
