Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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