im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
